Important Facts

EDUCATION

• Only 50 percent of teenage mothers finish high school
• Only 70 percent of teenage fathers finish high school.
• 90 percent of mothers under the age of sixteen will never finish high school.
• Less than 2 percent of women who become mothers before the age of twenty will complete college
• Lack of education usually results in an inability to get adequate jobs.

EMPLOYMENT

• Teenage parents are more likely to have low status jobs, lower hourly wages or be unemployed
• The younger the mother at childbirth, the lower her annual family income will be.

POVERTY

• There is a direct link between poverty and teenage parenting. Families headed by young mothers are seven times more likely to be poor.
• 71 percent of AFDC recipients under thirty were teenagers when their first child was born..
• Of all families with young children headed by women who gave birth as teenagers, 67 percent live below the officially designated poverty level.
• A study found that only one in ten children in two-parent families were poor while two out of three children living in single-parent homes were poor.

FUTURE PREGNANCIES

• Teenage mothers are likely to raise large, unplanned families alone. 60 percent of teenagers who gave birth before they were sixteen will be pregnant again before the age of eighteen.

CONCERNS ABOUT CHILDREN OF SINGLE PARENTS:

• Children of single parents are likely to have lower I.Q. scores and are more likely to repeat school grades than children raised in two-parent families.
• Children from single-parent homes have more physical and psychological problems than children raised in two parent homes.
• When children of teenage parents grow up, they are more likely to become teenage parents themselves, receive welfare, or become divorced.

CONCERNS ABOUT  MARRIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILD:

• Marriages that result from an unplanned pregnancy often fail.
• At least 60 percent of young people who marry before the age of twenty will be divorced within five years.
• When pregnancy is the major reason for marriage, the failure rate could reach 90 percent within the first six years of marriage.
• Even if a husband is working, it is not likely that he has a well-paying job.
• Because the young mother will likely drop out of school to care for her child, she will find herself with no education or job skills.
• Marriage will not solve the problem of an unplanned pregnancy. A good marriage demands hard work and commitment from each partner. This is often difficult for young people still working on developing their own identities.
• If you do not receive support from your family and will not be able to finish high school or get job experience because you parent your child, consider these facts carefully. It may predict your future life and that of your child.
• Since you are pregnant, you must decide. Explore the options of adoption, single parenting, and marriage. Be sure to make an informed decision.
• Planning for your child’s future is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life. Whatever you decide to do will have a lifelong effect on both of you.
• Do not choose a plan only because it is the choice your friends or parents want you to make, but do listen openly to their concerns and advice.
• Single parenting and teenage marriage are not as glamorous or problem-free as television, movies, or music would have you believe.

Myths & Misunderstandings About Adoption

“Whenever I started to think about adoption for my baby, I would try to put it out of my mind. I don’t know why. I really didn’t know much about adoption or how it worked, but something about adoption didn’t seem right. It scared me.” -Maria, age 23

Try to keep an open mind as you consider adoption. Recognize myths about adoption that alter the way you think about it. You can replace these myths with correct information, Whether you choose to parent or make an adoption plan, you must be sure that you have made a reasonable decision.

Misunderstanding #1: Birth parents who care about their child would never consider adoption.

“When I was leaving the hospital, I honestly would have traded everything that I ever had just to keep him. What kept me going was the thought that I was doing this for him and that it was the best for him.” -Marilyn, age 22

You may think that if you consider adoption for your child, you are a cold, uncaring, and selfish person. Maybe you’re afraid others will think you don’t love your child, and you think, “I’m unloving; I’m no good.” If you’re feeling this way, consider the following:

Birth parents who make adoption plans are really loving, caring people.

Your social worker can arrange for you to speak with birth parents who have already placed a child for adoption. You will soon see how much they love their child.

Ask yourself- “Where did I get the idea that I do not love my child if I make an adoption plan?”

This message may have come from parents, friends, television, or other media. Many people are uneducated about adoption and do not understand it as a loving option.

If your information came from the media or an acquaintance, you may choose to ignore their opinion. If someone close to you believes you are unloving for considering adoption, it will be more difficult to choose adoption. You may want to include that person in your counseling. Surround yourself with people who respect you for considering adoption.

Recognize your feelings of love and concern for your unborn child while you consider adoption.

When you talk to your unborn child and share your hopes and plans for him or her, you care for your child.

These acts of protecting, nourishing, and nurturing your unborn child indicate you love your child just as much as someone who might choose to parent.

You may be thinking that you will never know anything about your child’s future life. If you choose adoption today, sharing information is very common. As the birth parent you can help to develop an adoption plan that has the degree of openness you want. Some options for openness you may wish to consider include the following:

Selecting your child’s adoptive family from pictures/profiles of families awaiting adoption.

• Meeting the adoptive family
• Receiving information about your child’s adoptive parents
• Spending time with your child after birth
• Giving a gift and writing a letter to your child and/or to the adoptive family
• Receiving pictures and reports of your child and sending pictures and letters to your child on a regular basis after placement
• Having continued visits with your child and the adoptive parents either in a neutral setting or in their home
• Many birth parents are delighted to learn that they can participate in planning their child’s adoption. This active involvement in planning can make adoption a very positive event for you and take away some of your concerns.

Misunderstanding #3: Adoption is an irresponsible solution to an unplanned pregnancy.

“People told me that, since I was the one who got pregnant, why should someone else be stuck with my mistake? Part of me thought they were right. But another part of me wondered why my baby should be the one to suffer by having a mother like me who knows nothing about children.” -Debbie, age 18

Perhaps you’re ruling out adoption because you think you would be irresponsible if you made that choice. You may feel that you must parent as your punishment for being sexually active or for becoming pregnant, and so it is your duty to parent.

If this is how you feel, try answering these questions:

What makes my behavior irresponsible? Is choosing not to parent irresponsible? Was my sexual activity, regardless of whether or not I got pregnant, irresponsible behavior?

This question helps you identify the reason for often unclear or vague feelings. Some birth parents find that feeling irresponsible is related to being sexually active before marriage or not using contraceptives or not choosing to parent. Your answer will depend very much on your value system. You may, however, discover that what makes you feel irresponsible is connected to other factors in your life.

What is irresponsible behavior now that I am pregnant?

Is parenting a responsible choice when it will be hard for you to place the needs of your child before your own? Is it responsible to parent your child if you have no money, no one to help you, and no skills to get a good job? Is parenting a responsible decision when you still have a lot of growing up to do yourself?

Remember that just because you got pregnant does not mean you will be a good parent. If you aren’t able to be a good parent at this time, you still may be a wonderful parent when you are older.

Now that you are pregnant, what should you be responsible for?

You need to plan for your child’s future. Know all your options and the consequences of each choice. Make a plan that will be in your child’s best interests. Decisions made impulsively or based only on feelings are not responsible.

Maybe you really feel you should parent to punish yourself for what you did. If so, consider this: eighteen years of parenting when you are not ready is too severe a punishment. Many birth parents who choose to parent feel they have paid enough after a year or two. The child often pays too, in emotional pain.

Think about forgiveness. If you’re a Christian, remember that God forgives and wants you to live your life as a joyful, forgiven person. God does not sentence you to a life of parenting when you are not ready. He will prepare another way that will be healthy and positive for both you and your baby.

Misunderstanding #4: A birth parent will eventually forget about the child she/he relinquished for adoption.

“I knew some girls who made adoption plans, but I never heard them talk about their children. It’s like they forgot about them. But when I got pregnant, I knew I could never forget my child. That’s why I didn’t think I should make an adoption plan. I was surprised when my social worker told me she would never expect me to forget my child.” -Jessica, age 18

If you believe you must forget about your child when you choose adoption, your decision will be very hard to live with.

Years ago, many birth parents were expected to forget their children and go on as if nothing ever happened. Many of them suffered in silence. For them, adoption became a painful and lonely experience.

If you make an adoption plan for your child, you will never forget and will never want to forget your child. What you will want is to continue with your life without being emotionally crippled by your loss. You will want to remember your pregnancy, your baby’s birth, and those precious hours or days shared with your child in the hospital. When you remember, you’ll want to feel that you made the most loving, mature, and selfless decision possible, given your circumstances.

For you to remember your child in this positive way, work with an adoption agency that provides post-placement services. Ask the agency social worker these questions:

• What can I expect from you after my child is placed in an adoptive home?
• If I need someone to talk to after my child is placed in an adoptive home, can I come here?
• Is there a fee for any post-placement services?
• If you sense that the adoption agency is only interested in placing your child for adoption and not concerned about your needs, find another agency to work with.

For you to remember your child in a positive way, give yourself time to grieve. There are some things about grief that you should know:

1. You will have conflicting feelings after your child is born. Some birth parents who have looked forward to the end of their pregnancy are surprised when tears come at the thought of saying goodbye to their child. They wonder if adoption was the wrong decision after all. Remember, because you love your child, you will hurt when you say goodbye. These feelings are normal. They will lessen over time, and you will be happy again.

2. You should know about postpartum depression, the “baby blues.” Many women feel depressed because of normal hormonal changes that take place after delivery. Postpartum depression may be more intense if you are making an adoption plan. It may be hard to sort out which feelings are part of postpartum depression and which come from your grief. Your doctor can tell you more about postpartum depression. Be sure to let your doctor know if you are making an adoption plan for your child.

3. Tell other people how you are feeling and what you need. Those who try hard to please others, cover up their true feelings for fear of bothering those close to them. This is harmful in the long run. Talk about your child if you want to, rather than trying to forget you had a child.

4. Spend time with your baby in the hospital if you want to. Some people think that if you’re placing your child for adoption, you should not see him or her. This isn’t good advice. For many birth parents seeing their child is extremely important and special. It’s hard to say goodbye to your child if you’ve never really met him or her. It may help to have a supportive person with you as you spend time with your child. If you don’t want to see your child, however, this wish will be respected. Either way, ask your social worker to take photographs of your child because you may someday want to know what he or she looked like.

5. Take your time making decisions. Your body is going through many changes which will affect the way you feel. You may feel like you don’t even know yourself. The reality of carrying a child may not even sink in until you give birth.

Now that you face finalizing one of the biggest decisions of your life, give yourself all the time you need. Don’t sign relinquishment papers until you’re sure you are ready. On the other hand, don’t decide suddenly to take your baby home with you.

Your agency can provide interim care for your baby while you decide whether or not your earlier plan is still the best for both of you.

Misunderstanding #5: All adopted children will grow up to have serious psychological problems.

“There is this guy in my class who has had all kinds of problems. He’s heavy into drugs and alcohol. He’s run away a couple of times. I don’t think he gets along real well with his parents. When I found out he was adopted I figured that was why he had all these problems.” -Mark, age 17

Perhaps you have heard that adopted children grow up to have serious problems with drugs, alcohol, personal relationships, and mental illness.

Recent research does not support this misunderstanding. Studies show:

• Adopted and non-adopted children are not different in adjustment, delinquency, or mental health.
• Adopted teenagers are as emotionally stable as non-adopted teenagers.
• Adopted individuals do not have more family problems than non-adopted people.

You may know people who are adopted and who have had problems. It is important, however, not to blame adoption for all the problems someone may have. If your friend is not getting along with her adoptive parents, it may be for other reasons.

It’s true that adoption has caused problems for some families. When adoptive parents are unwilling or unable to discuss adoption issues with their children, children can suffer. Some adoptive parents may not have dealt with the pain of their own infertility. But adoptive parents who are comfortable sharing information about adoption and who accept their child’s feelings will most likely have well-adjusted children.

Make certain your child is placed with an adoptive family that will be open and honest about adoption. You can help choose a good home for your child by working with a professional adoption agency. Good adoption agencies will do a family assessment with all potential families. The social worker will determine whether they will be good parents based on many factors. In open adoptions these family profiles will be shared with you. Birth parents may choose their adoptive family from these profiles.

A good adoption agency will do a very thorough family assessment. In addition, a good agency provides:

• Accurate and detailed background information about the birth parent which is shared with adoptive parents and which is essential for the child as he or she grows up.
• Post-placement services that will provide education and support to adoptive parents and adopted individuals, as needed, through the years.

When children are placed with adoptive families who are knowledgeable and sensitive and when the agency continues to support them, the risk of psychological problems is no greater for adopted children than for biological children.

Misunderstanding #6: Birth parents will have serious emotional problems if they relinquish their child.

“I didn’t want to think about adoption because I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. Not ever knowing anything about my baby or where he went would make me crazy.” -Shantal, age 16

Some birth mothers are afraid that if they make an adoption plan they will go crazy or never be happy again. When you recognize such fear is caused by a misunderstanding about adoption, you don’t have to worry anymore. Your grief over the loss of your child can be painful. However, the ability to grieve is a sign of mental health. Never mistake grief for mental instability. There may be more reasons to be concerned about the mental health of teenagers who parent. Depression, stress, relationship problems, educational difficulties, and lost opportunities cause many teenage mothers to feel trapped and desperate.

Misunderstanding #7: A child doesn’t really need a father.

“I know a lot of kids who do just fine with a single parent. I’m sure I could manage on my own if I have to. When I look around and see families splitting up and the pain it causes, I think maybe kids are better off never having had a live-in dad. Who guarantees adoptive parents won’t divorce?” -Angie, age 19

All children, boys and girls, are better off with a positive male role model. Two-parent families, where fathers take their responsibilities seriously and parents support each other, are important for a healthy childhood. Some studies even show that both daughters and sons will achieve more in life when they grow up with a father who is actively involved with them.

Private adoption agencies make sure that a child will be placed in a stable, non-abusive home where parents are committed to always look after the best interests of their children. Adoptive family assessments are done thoroughly, and families that do not meet the high standards are turned down. Most adoptive parents are older and have been in their marriage for many years. They have the maturity and resources to be good moms and dads.

Misunderstanding #8: No one can love a child as much as the birth mother can.

“I always thought that if I chose adoption for my baby, she wouldn’t be loved as much as if I kept her.” -Sara, age 19

Adoptive parents can love their child as fully and selflessly as biological parents. Good parenting is a matter of unconditional love and acceptance, consistently nurturing and caring in a way that puts the needs of the child first.

Adoptive parents love their children as much as if they had given birth to them. In addition, they are able to give their children much that a single parent may not be able to provide. They can offer:

The psychological security and stability of a two-parent home. Adoptive parents are able to share responsibilities.

• Financial security.
• Maturity and wisdom that comes with age and life experiences.
• Spiritual direction. Adoptive parents are able to help their children begin to develop a personal relationship with God and teach them spiritual values.
• Plenty of time to spend with their children. Time is one thing few single parents have. Most adoptive parents are finished with their education and are established in careers. They are at a point in their lives where they are truly able to enjoy their children.

Summing Up

These eight misunderstandings about adoption are the most common ones birth parents struggle with. Now that you are able to recognize which myths, if any, you have believed, you can replace them with correct information.

Creating a Plan

If you are making an adoption plan or thinking of making one for your child, your plan should be one that meets all of your needs and expectations.

Choosing an Adoption Agency

“I believed in adoption, but when I contacted an adoption agency I almost changed my mind. They didn’t care what kind of family I wanted for my baby. Then my mom found another adoption agency. They listened to what I wanted and treated me with respect. They helped me think things through.” -Lisa, age 20

To make a good adoption plan, choose a good adoption agency. Look for one that meets these standards:

1.  Is licensed according to your state laws.
2. Employs professional, knowledgeable people in the field of adoption. Your social worker should have a Master’s degree in social work, psychology, or a related area, or a college degree with social work experience.
3. Counsels birth parents about all their options, including single parenting, marriage, and adoption. If you choose to parent your child, a good adoption agency will refer you to resources to help you with your parenting.
4. Requires thorough and careful screening, education, and an assessment of possible adoptive families before a child is placed in the home.
5. Provides adoptive parents with a complete and accurate social and medical history of birth parents. This information is extremely important to the adopted child as he or she grows and establishes an individual identity.

6.Provides post-placement services to birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted individuals in the years to come. Remember, adoption is a life-long process.

Learning From Others

“I knew adoption was one of my choices for my child, I didn’t know anything about it. Adoption wasn’t real to me. I didn’t know anyone who was adopted or who had adopted a child.” -Valerie, age 20

As you consider or plan adoption for your child, try to spend time with people whose lives have been touched by adoption. These people can give you a real-life look at what adoption is all about.

1. LEARN FROM OTHER BIRTH PARENTS.

Talk with other birth parents who have made an adoption plan for their child. Your counselor can probably arrange this. Ask them:

• How do they feel about their decision to relinquish their child, now that time has passed?
• What were the particulars of their adoption plan? (For example, how much say did they have in selecting the adoptive family? Did they exchange letters, gifts, and pictures?)
• What would they do differently, if they had to go through this experience again?
• What would they recommend to you as you plan an adoption for your child?
• Why did they make the decision to place their child for adoption?

2. LEARN FROM ADOPTIVE PARENTS.

Spend time with adoptive parents. If possible, observe them as they care for their children. Ask them these questions:

• Why did they chose adoption and how do they feel about the children they adopted?
• What have been some of their best and some of their worst family experiences?
• Do they really love their adopted children?
• How do they feel about their children’s birth parents, and how do they explain adoption to their children?
• What kind of experiences did they have with the adoption agency? Highlights? Disappointments?

3. LEARN FROM ADOPTED INDIVIDUALS.

Be sure to talk with people who have been adopted. Ask them these questions:

• How do they feel about their adoptive family and their birth parents?
• What’s good about being adopted? What don’t they like about being adopted?

4.LEARN FROM THOSE WHO DECIDED TO PARENT.

Although they ruled out adoption, they will have valuable information to offer. Ask them these questions:

• Why did they decide to parent their child and how do they feel about it now?
• What have been some of their best experiences as a parent?
• What have been their biggest difficulties?
• What would they do differently, knowing what they know now?

Your Own Family

“I was certain that I wanted to place my baby in an adoptive home. But when I told my parents, they had lots of questions and concerns. After all, my baby was their first grandchild.” -Jenny, age 18

To make a good adoption plan, try to include family members in your counseling, especially if you still live at home or have strong ties to your family.

Although your parents have no legal rights to your child, they are concerned about you. They will want to know what all your options are. If you are planning adoption and they oppose it, it will be difficult for you to follow through with your plan. In the same way, if you are planning to parent your child and they do not approve, you will also have a difficult time.

Your family cannot decide your child’s future. But you must know how your parents think and feel and how much support they will offer you. It’s not responsible to ignore your family in this important decision.

Birth Fathers

You cannot make a good adoption plan without considering the child’s birth father. You need to think about two important things.

1. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BIRTH FATHER

Some birth mothers find it difficult to talk about their relationship with the birth father. They feel anger, bitterness, embarrassment, shame, and rejection when they think about him.

Even though these feelings can be painful, talk about them with your social worker. Otherwise, you may not make the best possible plan for your baby. Instead you may use the baby to manipulate, control, or get back at the birth father.

2. THE BIRTH FATHER’S LEGAL RIGHTS

Even if you are no longer involved with the birth father, he has legal rights when it comes to making an adoption plan. In order to have a secure adoption, the birth father must give up his rights to the child. How this is done will vary from state to state, and your social worker will know how to handle this. If you do not know who the father is or where he is, there is a legal procedure to deal with this.

You may have negative feelings about your child’s birth father. However, you should not let these feelings interfere with the legal process of terminating his rights. If the law is not followed, it is possible that the birth father could disrupt the adoption plan that you made. He could gain custody of the child, against your wishes. For the best interests of your child, follow the laws in your state regarding the termination of parental rights. Your social worker will assist you with the best legal information.

“I thought that if I parented my child, my boyfriend would feel really guilty and decide to marry me. Even if he didn’t love me, I thought he would feel a responsibility to his son. I was wrong. He hasn’t been around since before the baby was born. I’m all alone.” -Danielle, age 19

“Neither Brenda or I could give him everything we wanted to give him or everything he deserved. We felt the adoptive parents could give him what he deserved. I hope that as he grows up, he will understand that.” -Michael, age 20

Your social worker can help you deal with your feelings toward the birth father so that they won’t interfere with your decision about what’s best for you and your child’s future. Remember, your child is a separate person, someone for whom you must plan the best possible home.

Be Involved

“I was so excited to find out that I could help choose my child’s adoptive family. I told my social worker the qualities I wanted the adopting parents to have.  Then she gave me profiles of several families who had those qualities.” -Tim, age 20

Making a good adoption plan means that you must become involved in adoptive planning. If greater participation will help you feel better about your adoptive plan, find out how much the agency you’re working with cares about your wishes. If the agency does not consider your input, and if you do not agree with their way of thinking, find another agency.

Today, most birth parents choose to meet adoptive parents before the baby is born, even if they decide against continued contact. This gives them peace of mind about the people they are trusting with their child’s future. Knowing what kind of family their child will grow up in makes it easier to cope with the grief of saying goodbye.  You will always have the option of choosing and meeting your adoptive parents.

“We spent a lot of time completing family history, medical, and social forms. We wanted our baby to know as much about us as possible. We wanted him to understand why we chose adoption and to know how much we love him. We left a picture of ourselves in the file too, just in case our child should want it some day.” -Jim and Joan, ages 18 and 17

You may want to develop a file of background information about yourself which, without identifying yourself, is shared with the adoptive family. As your child grows, he or she may have questions about why you made an adoption plan. Your child will also need assurance that you did not abandon him or her. We encourage you to pass along a picture of yourself and write a letter telling why you chose adoption. This will help as your child grows up and wonders what you looked like, what you enjoyed doing, and why you felt he or she should be cared for by adoptive parents. Your child will also need a medical history of the biological family. The information you give to the adoption agency will be extremely important to your child in years to come.

What about letters, gifts, and photographs?

“I wrote a letter to my daughter explaining why I placed her for adoption, how much I loved her and how I hoped for her happiness in her new home. I also gave her a baby quilt I had made. The adoptive parents sent a special letter back to me, via the agency. They promised to tell my daughter about my love for her. They told me the quilt was hanging in her nursery. For more than two years, they also sent me pictures of her. When I saw my daughter growingand changing, happy and well-cared for, I knew I had made the best choice.” -Gail, age 19

When you write a letter to your child or your child’s adoptive parents, leave a gift for your child, or receive photographs of your child, adoption is confirmed as positive. Writing letters allows you to express your love, and it encourages healing as you grieve the loss of your child.

Picking out a special gift for your child also affirms your love. It’s a way to give something of yourself. Your gift doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be something you make, something you own, or that has been in your family and is special to you, or a gift chosen specifically for your child. Your social worker can help you choose an appropriate gift.

Receiving photographs of a smiling, alert, healthy child gives reassurance that adoption was a good plan.  lAll of our families are willing to keep in touch.  As long as you keep in touch with the agency, with updated contact information, our birth parents can make arrangements to have pictures or updates of their child for 18 years.  If at an appropriate age a child desires more contact, you will have choices about that as well.

If you do not like the idea of writing a letter, reconsider and picture yourself growing up without any idea what motivated your birth parent to make an adoption plan. A child’s emotional well being is strengthened when they know for sure they were never abandoned or unloved. Your letter to your child will help you to heal in your grieving process and help your child understand and accept the reason for the adoption.

This last section gave you some important things to consider as you think about or plan adoption for your child. There is no right or wrong way to plan your child’s adoption. What is best for one person may not be best for you.

You are incredibly important in the life of your child whether you choose to parent or make an adoption plan. Think through your choices carefully. Should you choose adoption for your child, you will be able to make a loving and responsible plan that meets your own needs and is in your child’s best interests. You will be at peace with your decision.

Although pregnancy is usually a time of great joy and anticipation, an unplanned pregnancy is often a time of crisis. A part of you may be very excited about the new life you are carrying. At the same time, you may feel confused, worried, anxious, and fearful about what will happen in the future. You may even wonder if you will ever be happy again.

An unplanned pregnancy is not the end of the world for you. Thousands of young people have come through their pregnancies wiser, more mature, more responsible, and more compassionate. Although they never would have chosen this experience, they have faced their pregnancies courageously and learned much through them. They have gone on to lead happy, meaningful lives. You will, too!